Is It Them… or Is It Me?
- Lisa Askins
- Jun 19
- 3 min read
Updated: Jun 20
How to center yourself in the moment.
Often, I’ve experienced a moment when my body goes still, I catch my breath, and I can’t find the words.
It’s not fight or flight. It’s freeze.
Maybe someone just made a comment that landed wrong. Maybe I’m in a meeting and suddenly feel shut down, dismissed, or subtly attacked. The words are still echoing in my head, but I’m somewhere else second-guessing and trying to figure out: What just happened?
Because for so many of us—especially those who have navigated complex dynamics around power, identity, or belonging—the freeze is familiar. And what comes next is a swirl of questions, the loudest being:
“Is it them… or is it me?”
What We Carry Into the Room
Our perceptions are shaped by everything we’ve lived through. The nervous system remembers. So does the heart. We bring this into the room with us even when we’re trying to stay present and professional.
Sometimes, what we feel in the moment is more about what it reminds us of than about what’s actually happening now.
That doesn’t mean your reaction is invalid. It means you’re human.
Discernment isn’t about dismissing your emotions. It’s about creating enough awareness to ask: What part of this is about now? And what part of this might be about before?
How to Center Yourself in the Moment
We all carry unconscious biases, not just about others, but about ourselves. The stories we tell ourselves (“I’m too much,” “I always misread people,” “They probably didn’t mean it like that”) can envelop us under pressure.
Adding a place to pause can help you shift.
Try asking yourself:
What does this situation remind me of?
When have I felt this way before?
Am I seeing this person, or am I seeing someone from my past?
Am I assuming intent or responding to impact?
This isn’t about overthinking. It’s about softening the backstory so you can meet the moment with clarity.
Curiosity Brings Us Back to Ourselves
One of the most powerful things we can do in a charged moment is stay curious. Instead of spiraling into self-blame or judgment, try widening the frame. Ask: What else might be true?
Maybe their comment was thoughtless, but not malicious.
Maybe your reaction is signaling a boundary that matters.
Maybe both things can be true at once.
Curiosity creates space. And in that space, you welcome back your agency.
When Discernment Confirms the Pattern
Discernment doesn’t mean gaslighting yourself. Some behavior is just disrespectful, dismissive, or unsafe. The fact that you paused to reflect doesn’t make their actions okay.
When in doubt, watch for patterns. People can have bad moments. But repeated behavior is a signal; it tells you what you need to know.
Discernment lets you say, with calm and conviction: “This doesn’t feel right—and I don’t need to explain it away.”
In the Pause, Clarity
When things feel off, pause. Breathe. Ask the hard questions with kindness. Your nervous system may not know the full story, but it’s trying to tell you something.
Discernment can be the bridge between your inner world and the outer one. Between self-awareness and self-trust.
Let it guide you to stand in your truth.
Let’s talk. If you’re navigating change and want to lead with more clarity, confidence, and connection, I’d love to support your next step.
